Hey guys! I've drafted this post twice because it was too long and i was worried it might actually bore you guys. So this is the summarised form of my original post :)
So how's your 2011 been? Can you guys believe we're coming to 2012 soon?!?! Like omg time really flies huh.. Anyway i want to tell you guys about my year! This year has been a really tough one for me. But this year was the year that i really grew closer with God and really let go of my worries and leave everything to God. This was also the year i discovered who mattered to me, and who didn't. This was also the year i realised exactly how fortunate and blessed i am to have such a wonderful people around me.
Here's a little background knowledge of me for the benefit of those who don't know. I have two older brothers, 27 and 28 years old. And since I'm the youngest plus am the only girl, my parents and basically everyone doted on me a lot. Whatever i wanted, i received. I never really had to fight or do anything in life because everyone else will just do it for me. You know how parents are supposed to support their child when they fall? Well, i don't think i ever fell because everyone was there 24/7 that i don't even have the chance to experience failure. That was until 10 January 2011 when i received my O level results...
For those of you guys who don't know/confused as to why i retook my O levels, I'll clear this doubt once and for all. I got d7 for both my e math and combined science. Oh i graduated from Greenview Secondary in 2010. I failed the subjects i wasn't supposed to fail at all because it's considered as important subjects in Singapore's education system. But most importantly, i failed my parents, my teachers and those who believed in me. I have always been the one that didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I've disappointed those that mattered the most to me. When i received the results that day, i didn't cry. I guess i thought that crying wouldn't make any difference so i decided to move on.
Fast forward to a week later~ I decided to retake my O levels this year. Yeah, me facing the exams all alone by myself. And then.. the thought of telling my friends, relatives around me was just horrible. I mean, it's usually the normal routine to take o levels and then proceed to a jc/poly and not retake it again. I think what hurt me the most was that i disappointed my dad so much that he was literally speechless that he didn't scold me at all. In fact, no one in my family scolded me. At that point I'd rather they scream and shout at me, or even chase me out of the house. But they didn't, they showered me with love and concern instead which made me feel even more guilty for not studying hard enough last year.
"Eh you go to what school ah?"
"Er... I'm retaking my os...."
"Huh? Why?!"
"I failed my math and science..."
Yup, i had to go through this exact convo for at least 20 to 30 times. And every time my chest would just get so tight that i could hardly breathe. Usually, i love to meet new people.. but i hated meeting new people because i know that i have to tell them about this. And then.. i got used to it. It didn't bother me as much as it did mainly because my past is not equivalent to my future, but it still bugged me a little when i have to tell people this.
I didn't really care about what people said about because they don't know my story and i guess I was misunderstood somehow? Back in secondary school, i wasn't considered a bad student. I went to school on time, followed school rules, didn't make any of my teachers cry, did my homework. I was actually not a bad student. I guess i was too lazy and when i decided to really work hard for the O levels last year, i was too late. And i wasn't entirely focused because of.... a boy. I have to admit it wasn't his fault that i didn't do well, no one is to blame except me for my failures. I was focused yet distracted i suppose? Text msges will be sent at least 10 times per hour with me smiling like an idiot after sending my msg. And you know what? I actually knew that i didn't have a future with this boy and yet i decided to go for it. I was practically digging my own grave at that time. Ah puppy love~ (i hope you guys won't change your perspective of me once you all know about this)
After my exams this year, i discovered that not only was i distracted, i forgot someone that's really important in my life. God. Honestly, during that period i didn't go to church, didn't pray at all. I wanted to just depend on myself and i guess that's where i went wrong? So guys, we are literally nothing without God. I learned it the hard way, and you know what, i thank God for putting me through this tough year because he knew that i would come through with it :)
Gosh this is so long, i hope you guys aren't bored!
Why is it a tough year? Because i had to watch my friends move on to different institutes, make new friends, learn new things while i was just stuck in 2010(not literally); studying for my O levels. No teachers to scold me when i didn't do my work, no teachers to grade my assignments. One pillar of support was gone. And i had to watch my parents' faces when their friends asked where i was schooling and etc. Simply heartbreaking. Which parent doesn't want their child to move forward in their education? It wasn't their fault that i didn't do well, it was mine and i didn't want them to shoulder the "blame" for my results because it wasn't fair at all. I didn't care about what others think about me, i cared more about my parents feelings more than anything else.
I never had a chance to experience failure. So when it did, it hit me really hard. Many times this year, i just simply refused to talk to God. I guess i was angry with him? You know those shows that we watch on tv, when the girl is angry with her boyfriend and refuses to talk to him and he is just there for her even though she's furious? Yeah, that's how i felt.
I can't say that this year was a bad year, because it's not. This year has been a training year for me~ I matured a lot spiritually and emotionally! Usually I'm every one's xiao mei mei, i still am but I'm more sensible, independent and stronger now :) Now, if any problem was to come my way, i'll be like "Oh please, my God is bigger than you can?"
Plus, i found out who really cares about me and i wouldn't have known if i wasn't going through this difficult stage in my life. Because true friends will stay by your side during your toughest moments right? Honestly, before that i felt that everyone was fine without me and my presence was no longer needed. But my clique showed up 1 day before my first paper to give me a "fun pack" filled with lots of tidbits and fruits, so i was really glad that they remembered. And of course you guys who msged and asked about my papers. I really am grateful for all your prayers :) Thank you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 Especially to Hui Mei, Melody and Felicia. Thank you girls for your concern<3
Have a blessed week you guys!!!! :) And remember that God is always there. God is like a ninja you know, he works in ways you cannot see ^^ Ok... it sounds kinda strange.. But you get the point right?! Hahaha! God bless!! <3 Love you all :D
Alena :)
